It’s been quite a long time since I took the time to sit down and just write. I have reached a point at this moment where I feel like I have lost myself and that everything in my mind is just jumble of things, feeling, emotions, words and annoyances. I think it is best i get back to writing everyday, cause I have always felt that once I let everything I felt and thought out in the form of text; I always feel better. More clear minded. My whole being has more room to let other aspects of life come into play. So back to writing it is. I missed it quite a lot. Lately my life has been about nothing but partying, drinking, going out with random friends, and pretty much enjoying life. It seems in the mist of all this I have lost little chunks of me. Not saying I lost them forever, they just got pushed aside and left alone in the dark. I think I need to go back to doing more creative things, reading a book once in a while, just stimulate my mind somehow! This guy I have been talking to reminds me of a person I use to be. He constatnly points out things about me that never exsisted. And it is making me quite sad to think that I have become this empty headed, stupid, one-way street kind of girl. I use to be funny, and smart and nice. Somewhere along I lost those things. I miss being the old Rachel. I just wish that I can find me soon, and get back to the origanl me and not this person I have become. Maybe I am being dramatic about this, but lately I feel deep down inside I am not myself. Something is off, something has been off for a while. I don’t like it all. Hope I figure out what is wrong soon. 

A friend told me “Good things come to those that think good.” I plan on living by those words. Good thoughts all the way. Staying positive. 

Writing and expressing my feelings through text. Not a lot has changed in the last couple of months but the things that did change were pretty big changes,…at least for me. I am not in school this semester. Financial aid didn’t go through in time. It sucks because I really miss it and I really wanted to go this semester. Me and Isaac no longer talk we both decided its best we just stop calling, and texting or contacting each other in general. We both deleted each others numbers and learned to forget. I see him every once in a while and it still hurts but it doesn’t hurt as much as when we were involved with each other. I’m learning to live without him in my life, learning to stop dreaming about him in my life. There is also another guy I am interested in at work, we never talked, we have mutual friends and I can’t help but admirer how cute he is when I am bored at work. Every once in a while we catch each others eyes and smile but nothing more than that. I wish I could just get the courage to go talk to him myself but I afraid of getting hurt again, yes….I am afraid of rejection. Work has been alright I guess, hoping to find another so I can be making double the money. Other than that things have been alright. I tugging along like a little tugboat. :) 

I haven’t posted in a while. Mostly because I’ve been busy with school, and the new job and reuniting with old friends. Trying my best to deal with everything at one time is hard but I think I am doing good so far. I’m still throwing my heart in the air for him but I feel like it might be time to retire this ordeal. He doesn’t seem to be upset about things and I seem too upset. Its hard to leave him alone when me and his sister are BFF’s again. I know its weird but that’s how use to be. Me, him, his sister and her boyfriend. We always hung out as couples. Now the couples have separated and its weird. I love that me and her are friends we went right back to being best friends but he seems mad at the fact we became so close again so fast. He could have been close to me like he use to but he chose the other route. I still miss him and want him but I really think its best I forget. Most of all I NEED to forget. Other than that school is going great, job is a job and its getting me money so I can’t complain. Really close to getting a new car and doing all the things I wanted to do. So far 2011 has been good to me. I hope everyone is doing well and that this year is being good to you as well. If not I hope that changes during the second half of the year. 

I can’t handle this anymore. My heart can’t handle this anymore. As much as I want to fight for you, I feel like my whole being can’t handle it. My stomach literally feels sick when I think of everything you have done. I feel nauseous looking at you and I don’t understand how I got here again. I am one to never regret but to learn for my mistakes, but I feel I keep making this same mistake, and learning nothing but how stupid I am. I can’t help but miss you dearly and hope for a future with you, but I know deep down that day will come when I know for sure we will never be. I know that day my heart will be destroyed, I will be destroyed and I don’t know how will come back for that day. I want to leave now and prevent myself from feeling the most pain I will feel but I can’t walk away, if anyone is going to walk away I want it to be you. I want to know for sure you never loved me and that I mean nothing to you. I feel so low right now, lower than I have ever felt. I just want to go back to normal, I just want to go back to being by myself. 

And this month is over. My month was pretty great. I learned this month to count my blessings everyday, to remind me that even though there my be bad days, there are always something good in those days. This month I had tons of fun, went dancing with friends, saw my best friends, saw my godson, my niece turned 1 month, found out I was gonna have another niece. Reconnected with Isaac which can either be a good or bad thing…right now it seems to be a good thing. I have always had faith in our friendship…or whatever it is. I have done great in school, I have opened myself up again, and learned that not all people are bad and not all people will hurt me. I am still a work in progress but I think from the end of last month to now I have improved quite a bit in letting myself get hurt, letting myself take chances and to not always be afraid of what people are going to do to me, and because of that I have let myself have fun again. I am starting to go back to my old happy self and I am excited! Well I hope everyone had a great month and  I hope your week is just a good.