I feel inadequate. As though what Ic am and what I have to offer will never be good enough for you. I wish that our relationship was more intimate. Beyone our naked bodies and mmore of our minds linked. Everything about you intrigues me, makes me wonder, makes me want to be around you all the time and I don’t know how to bring myself back from that. I’m in too deep and you’re still in shallow grounds. :/

That’s what my mind has become. I feel as though things are not right. And I can blame it on the fact that he hasn’t spoken to me and weeks and that he’s happy with “the devil” But no, I feel no displeasure of him discontinuing out friendship if anything I feel relief! BUT….still I feel this uneasy feeling like things are not how they are supposed to be, as if the planets have moved off their axis and everything is lopsided. I do miss him, I do. I just can’t continue to be his friend knowing what we have done, knowing how I feel and how he feels all the while he’s with her. One person I actually respected and didn’t expect to back stab me. I guess we all learn some way or another people suck and that there is no way to make someone love you. 

I dislike hate, I never stay angry and I won’t hold a grudge…simply because its just too big of a burden on my soul

I’m clueless on what it is about you that intrigues me. Maybe I’m just easily amused but you strike me as an interesting being. Someone I wish I knew well and knew me too. You would think after 7 months we would know each other better than what makes us jolt with pleasure. Not saying I don’t appreciate the moments we had, just wish they were on another level of intimacy. I do care to be you’re friend, I enjoy your company and the mini conversations we have but when it comes down to it
….I don’t know why you interest me so much. I don’t know why I care to be your friend…and frankly I kinda don’t care that I don’t know.

Its hard for me to say who I really am right now. I lost all the pieces of what use to define me. I let myself get out of control and let myself slack. I let a stupid boy bring me down once again and I let him know I cared. I let people I thought were my friends betray me right before my eyes because I was too naive to believe they would do such a thing to me. But when it all boils down to it I blame no one for the way things turned out because in some twisted way I feel I deserve everything that has happened to me. I feel like I was meant to feel this vulnerable I was meant to feel this weak and raw. I for once let my feelings be known and i got a smack to the face a stab to the back and a crack in my heart. I just hope I learn for this. I hope I take the knowledge that some people are just mean and could careless about others.

It’s been quite a long time since I took the time to sit down and just write. I have reached a point at this moment where I feel like I have lost myself and that everything in my mind is just jumble of things, feeling, emotions, words and annoyances. I think it is best i get back to writing everyday, cause I have always felt that once I let everything I felt and thought out in the form of text; I always feel better. More clear minded. My whole being has more room to let other aspects of life come into play. So back to writing it is. I missed it quite a lot. Lately my life has been about nothing but partying, drinking, going out with random friends, and pretty much enjoying life. It seems in the mist of all this I have lost little chunks of me. Not saying I lost them forever, they just got pushed aside and left alone in the dark. I think I need to go back to doing more creative things, reading a book once in a while, just stimulate my mind somehow! This guy I have been talking to reminds me of a person I use to be. He constatnly points out things about me that never exsisted. And it is making me quite sad to think that I have become this empty headed, stupid, one-way street kind of girl. I use to be funny, and smart and nice. Somewhere along I lost those things. I miss being the old Rachel. I just wish that I can find me soon, and get back to the origanl me and not this person I have become. Maybe I am being dramatic about this, but lately I feel deep down inside I am not myself. Something is off, something has been off for a while. I don’t like it all. Hope I figure out what is wrong soon. 

A friend told me “Good things come to those that think good.” I plan on living by those words. Good thoughts all the way. Staying positive. 

Writing and expressing my feelings through text. Not a lot has changed in the last couple of months but the things that did change were pretty big changes,…at least for me. I am not in school this semester. Financial aid didn’t go through in time. It sucks because I really miss it and I really wanted to go this semester. Me and Isaac no longer talk we both decided its best we just stop calling, and texting or contacting each other in general. We both deleted each others numbers and learned to forget. I see him every once in a while and it still hurts but it doesn’t hurt as much as when we were involved with each other. I’m learning to live without him in my life, learning to stop dreaming about him in my life. There is also another guy I am interested in at work, we never talked, we have mutual friends and I can’t help but admirer how cute he is when I am bored at work. Every once in a while we catch each others eyes and smile but nothing more than that. I wish I could just get the courage to go talk to him myself but I afraid of getting hurt again, yes….I am afraid of rejection. Work has been alright I guess, hoping to find another so I can be making double the money. Other than that things have been alright. I tugging along like a little tugboat. :)